The beach was sunny that day. A light breeze sauntered lazily about. The sun and his children beamed on the water’s surface, taking turns to flash their brilliant smiles at each other as they shimmered between the waves which lapped up onto the beach, teasing the sand that shone and stretched across the island. 

Three small girls and a matted sheep dog, ran in and out of the waves, splashing and dashing against the gentle laps of the sea. A fourth girl, older, sat away from the rest. She was curled into a ball and her head rested into the tops of her knees as she watched the others at play and felt the sand beneath her fingertips. 

Slowly, she uncurled and rose into a standing position. ‘I’m going for a walk’, she announced and slid away before any of her sisters could follow. Craving solitude, she rushed into the tall hay like stalks of grass that provided her protection. The air was languid and breathed down her neck clinging to the beads of sweat that dripped from her brow. Walking in no particular direction, the girl slowed her gait and grabbed at the grass as she passed it, needing to feel something between her fingers. Minutes turned into an hour as she walked further into the heart of the island.

A warm breeze twirled around her wanting to play, but she continued on, ignoring its request. As she pressed on, she noticed how the trees clustered together, preventing much sunlight from entering. Ahead, she noticed the mouth of a large cave that appeared in her line of sight—ominous. Everything was still and eerily quiet. The air seemed to stop at the cave’s very entrance and the temperature dropped. The girl felt her chest tighten ever so slightly, and yet she crept on. She approached the mouth trying to see what lay inside, but the absence of light was so strong that she couldn’t see a thing. 

She recognised this cave, she’d seen it before, but never went in for fear of what she would find. The comfort of not knowing often tastes sweeter than the discomfort of finding out. She swallowed and defiantly thrust her shoulders back. Before she could change her mind and run back to the safety of her sisters, she took the plunge into the cave. Curiosity lit its flame and her decision bolstered her forward. The cold of the cave seemed to seep into her skin and fill her chest and stomach until she felt the chill from within as well as out. 

She kept to one side letting her hand trail the wall as she went further inward. It was a way of grounding herself into the very wall of what scared her, having something to let her fingers touch as a way of not letting dread overtake her completely.

As she crept along, a draft surrounded her and invisible voices questioned her, ‘Who do you think you are?’ they jeered. ‘Let us tell you. ‘You’re a bad sister’. Their contempt surprised her. She pulled her clothes closer around her. The voices continued, ‘You’re a terrible daughter and an even worse friend’, they gibed. A clammy sweat created a thin film that clung to her skin. She felt hot and cold all at once. She stopped walking to listen to the voices. In a way, they were alluring.  

The voices grew louder, ‘You’re not pretty enough’, they said. ‘You’re not good enough! You’re not enough’, they shouted. Tears pooled in her eyes, as the very words that she had been afraid of her whole life now screamed at her. ‘You’ll never amount to anything’, they taunted. The words seemed to cut deep into her chest, etching themselves into her very flesh. Her shoulders hunched and she wrapped her arms around her body as a feeble way to protect herself. Her throat felt like it had been tightened, never to loose again.   

‘You’re a pathetic excuse for a woman’, they added, now speaking louder and faster. ‘How could anyone ever love you? You’re a mistake. You’re worthless!’. The words echoed in the cavern. She slooped into a ball on the cave floor paralysed and chilled—belittled to the bone. Their words crippled her, she tried to move, but she couldn’t and so she collapsed in a huddle and began to sob. The hot tears that now poured forth freely, lapped out, warming her sallow cheeks reaching down until they reached her lips. Her tongue tasted salt. Salt—something to taste. Earth—something to touch. Something to hold onto.

She lifted her head and reached out for the wall, using it to guide her back up into a standing position. Both feet on the ground. Shoulders back. She took a deep breath. Tears continued to stream down, but seemed to give renew her strength. The water reminded her of the ocean where her sisters were still playing. Her sisters. She was alone in the cave, but she wasn’t alone. The thought warmed her.  

The voices kept up their ridicule, but this time she noticed that they were just that. Voices. Intangible voices that carried no weight, let alone a body to sink one’s teeth into. They weren’t flesh. They weren’t real. A car on empty—no gas. Something clicked within her. The voices repeated like a broken record on loop, but this time she called back. 

‘You’re a bad sister!’, they scoffed. 

‘You’re a bad sister’, she countered. She stuck her tongue out at the invisible voices just like her sisters in a squabble. The memory of her sisters arguing over something inconsequential made her laugh which eased the tightness in her chest. This time, quieter, the voices cried out, ‘You’re a terrible daughter and an even worse friend.

‘Sometimes’, the girl bravely admitted, ‘but not all the time. What you say is never the whole story. Besides, I never claimed to be perfect’, she retorted confidently. 

Quieter still, the voices huffed, ‘You’re not pretty enough’. 

‘You’re pretty ugly yourself’, she replied. Her belly rumbled with a deep laugh as she began to channel the annoying energy of her three year old sister who always came up with the worst comebacks. It was almost like her sisters were with her in that very moment, emboldening and cheering her on. She continued walking into the cave which didn’t seem so dark as before. 

‘You’re not good enough’ they hissed angrily. ‘I’m enough’, the girl replied calmly, gathering and harvesting courage and even enjoying herself. 

‘You’re a pathetic excuse for a woman’, they returned. ‘At least I’m real. Unlike you who can’t even show your face’. She thought about it before saying, ‘I don’t need to be perfect, I just need to show up and here I am’. She was no longer paying any mind to the voices that were slowly fading away. She was speaking to herself now as she forged further into the belly of the cave. As she continued, the air warmed and everything began to feel lighter. The girl glimpsed a distant light up ahead and picked up the pace. 

‘How could anyone ever love you? You’re a mistake. You’re worthless!’ the voices hissed their last attempt at making the girl feel small. ‘I am loved’, she sang. ‘I’m a miracle. I’m valuable. I’m precious!’ she shouted. Her voice reverberated and filled the cave with warm echoes that chasing away the voices. The cave revealed a bend and when she turned the corner, warm light seeped from a hole in the ceiling of the cavern. She’d made it to the end of the cave. The entire floor was filled with sand and flowering plants grew and blossomed. In the center, placed on the ground, lay a scroll that was rolled and wrapped with twine. The girl bent down to pick it up and rolled it out, grabbing some rocks and laying one down on each corner to keep the text from rolling back up again. The sun shone down on her putting sparkles in her hair and a gleam in her eyes. She took a deep breath and read aloud the words, 

‘I heartily congratulate you for going into the cave is no small feat.

The person you were when you entered and the person you are as you exit are not the same. You have transformed. You have sown the courage that you have reaped. 

Love’s light has strengthened you and that is exactly what you will find in the cave’s heart: life.

Be free and be filled with levity and love. You are a gift. You are a blessing. You are worthy. Go in peace and spring forth. Blossom and flourish.’

She left the written words where they were. She didn’t need to take them with her. They were now etched in her heart. She left the way she came, a soft smile adorned her face. As she made her way back towards the beach, her arms swung freely at her sides. She skipped and then broke into a brisk run, the weight of her body rustling through the tall grassy fronds as she highfived the leaves that hung from the trees. 

‘Miracle!’ She heard her sisters before she saw them. ‘Miracle!’ They called out to her. ‘Where were you? We missed you!’ 

‘I had to leave for a bit, but now I’m back. I’m here’, Miracle beamed as she scooped up each of her siblings and tossed them playfully into the water which made them scream with delight. She joined them in the waves and they swam together.

The sun and his children beamed on the water’s surface, taking turns to flash their brilliant smiles at each other as they shimmered between the waves which lapped up onto the beach, teasing the sand that shone and stretched across the island. A light breeze sauntered lazily about. The beach was sunny that day. 

⬼ ❀❀❀ ⤗

Notes: a girl enters the cave of cold shame, the sisters are both representations of others in our life and also different parts of ourselves. It is pure courage to journey within and explore the uncomfortable parts of ourselves and confront the voices of shame that try to make us feel small.  

In order to combat these voices that plague and taunt us, the ones that whisper half baked truths about who we are and ultimately that carry no weight, we must cling to the love that grounds us, and cast a spell of light on the voices themselves to shrink them into oblivion.