I think I will really miss the pace of Spokane, the beauty of the Pacific Northwest and the people I’ve picked up along the way. More like, picked me up. Weird how much a place can grow on a person. It’s a strange occurrence. It started out as I didn’t really want to be here to be grateful where I am and loving it all to already getting homesick before I’ve even left. Again, strange. The unforgettable words of Nanny McPhee immediately spring to mind: “When you need me, but do not want me, then I must stay. When you want me, but no longer need me, then I have to go.”

Why do we want to be where we’re not? Is it a sense of listlessness, to leave and run away from the place where we are? Maybe it has to do with comparison and viewing the here and now as always coming up short—a yearning for something other than what we are already currently experiencing. A false belief that the grass is always greener somewhere else. Wise words were those that said ‘comparison is the thief of joy’. Still yet, maybe it is more a question of untrained eyes to not see the blessing and the bounty right past our nose? It is a matter of presence.

The other day, somewhere around 7:45 am, I found myself smack dab in an ugly urban outfit of uninspiring slabs of businesses slopped together, strip malls as far as the eye could—all dismally drab. I was riding the transit bus while the morning-soft sunlight streamed in through the pane. I was on my way to work, reading. I looked up suddenly from my book with the realization that I didn’t want to be anywhere else than where I was, surprisingly. The force of that truth hit me like a brick almost knocking me over. I looked around to see if anyone had noticed. No one had. They were absorbed in their own worlds, unchanged. And I—I was the fool in shock, sitting dumbfounded with a sheepish grin stuck on my face just staring out the window. 

Sometimes, the force of the truth slaps you up the head and you’re left reeling from the necessary sting. Like a bucket of cold water doused upon you, its only purpose is to keep you awake. You were drifting, dear.

All this time spent comparing Spokane to Spain was for naught. Living in the future rather than the present is a fool’s errand and gets one into more trouble than what it’s worth. Wanting to be where one is not is understandable, but ultimately useless.

In the past, I’ve felt torn, divided. Always one foot in Spain and the other back home, resulting in a constant feeling of discontentment and disembodiment: dismembered parts in two different places rather than altogether and integrated. Maybe part of me was scared that if I put both feet in the same place, the other would drift away, never to be found again. As time went on, both places seemed to drift apart anyway and I tried to bridge the gap, with the epic result ending in painful splits. I am reminded that just because you let go doesn’t mean you don’t care. Just because you decide to put both feet firmly in place doesn’t mean you do not remember or no longer love other places where you’ve walked before. 

⬼ ❀❀❀ ⤗

And there I am, still in the bus, still dumbfounded, but wholly there. Both feet. Even though I feel I don’t belong here in this strange place where I was born and I know it’s temporary, I am learning to accept it. Any resistance melts away and I embrace, I embody for a fleeting moment —and sometimes that’s all it takes—presence. Yes, the buildings are still hideous, the billboards blaring consumeristic slogans still scream at me to buy their cheap products and yes, the bus still smells like stale piss, but I am safe and I am blessed beyond measure with not a care in the world. The sun gently caresses my cheek and preserves me in the present. I am not in Spain. I am not in India. I am not in Mozambique. Who cares where I am not for I am here.      

I am resolved. I am going back at some point, but that time is not now, so I am here—completely. I suppose it boils down to: the grass is always greener beneath one’s own toes.